She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
