she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
We left an ass print on the piano.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
