A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
