Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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