First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
