The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
