Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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