Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize