Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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