my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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