Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize