I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
