Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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