So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I smell like Dick and happiness
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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