I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
