After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
