we're chasing vodka with high fives
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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