Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Randomize
