can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
