hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
