Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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