Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
