my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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