That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
