cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
My vagina just recognized that song.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
