did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
