if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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