Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
so that wasnt chicken after all
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
