i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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