Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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