dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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