Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
