goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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