Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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