the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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