I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
