I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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