I wish I could punch you in the face.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
