I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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