All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize