she takes plan B like it's going out of style
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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