some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
