just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
