the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just found puke in my bra..
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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