Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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