So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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