i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
