foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
you didnt know i had herpes?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
