we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
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