Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize