So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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