just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
