STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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