Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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