DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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