by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
