Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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