there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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