just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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