He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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