This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
