Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Randomize
