I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
