so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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